Who the fuck is Alex Sim-Wise?
I ask myself that question all the time. I have had many jobs, both ordinary and extraordinary (my favourite was working at McDonalds while pregnant), but I always find myself drawn back to the world of sexy. After all, it’s where I have my 10,000 hours and I am good at it - even if I am not particularly sexy IRL. A former lads mag model and Page 3 girl, I specialise in tease content, fantasy character creation, and just being a general dickhead.
I grew up in Coventry - home of the Sky Blues and fighting - and was a creative but unusual child, which can now in these modern times be attributed to undiagnosed ADHD and autism. At school I excelled in anxiety, Logo, and drawing pictures of Reese Witherspoon. I also once told my friends that I could make the entire cast of Ghostbusters out of toilet rolls, which was a lie, although recently I did make all of The Beatles out of cardboard, so who is laughing now?
Alternately nicknamed ‘Spanielface’ and ‘The Bell End’ due to rather unfortunate haircuts, my teenaged hobbies were shoplifting and playing Final Fantasy before I was sent away to London to attend Camden School for Girls, which I hated. I left for the bright lights of Norwich at the age of 18, lured with an offer of as much turkey ham as I could possibly eat at the University of East Anglia. Once there I aggravated the local population as captain (and founder) of my university cheerleading squad, and generally lead my life as if it were a really bad teen movie, before being awarded a 2:1 degree in academic stealth.
Due to my dad stealing my university savings and spending it on IVF with his new wife, I became a stripper to support my studies and instantly loved it. One thing lead to another and by my final year at university I had been crowned FHM’s Student of the Year, which lead to being signed to a model agency upon graduation and further shoots for Playboy and Page 3. Over the years I picked up many accolades but my favourites were being simultaneously the respective faces of tit tape and laughing gas, a feat that has never since been repeated. My popular blogs on Myspace lead to a column writing for FRONT magazine and I was later promoted to Games Editor, due to my obsessive interest in video games.
My FRONT column caught the attention of Loaded’s James Brown, who at the time had been brought on board to manage an obscure cable channel called Sumo TV. Having never done TV before, I was sent for a screen test that basically became a ten minute monologue about my friend Paul who suffered from a condition called “megarectum”, which meant that he couldn’t poo without laxatives and how he still had his Christmas dinner inside him at Easter. Impressed, James offered me my own TV show. While the resulting show ("In Bed With Sim-Wise") was chaotic and short-lived it produced my first showreel and lead to me being the first glamour model to move on from my model agency (GIRL Management) to TV talent agency Money Management. Stints hosting for MTVHD, BBC Radio 1, and G4TV in the US followed before I burned out and retired at the age of 30.
After a 5-year period of inactivity where I had a child and retrained as a beauty therapist, I returned to modelling - or content creation as it is now called - in 2016, and have been stuck in that hamster wheel ever since.